Sensing Spring….Without & Within

I feel the crisp cool air touching my skin

I feel the warmth of the bright sun overhead

I feel the earth I am sitting on, firm and nurturing.

I sense my own vibrancy coming from within.


I smell the dampness of the ground below me

I smell the straw scattered around nearby

I smell the freshness in the air as it moves through the trees.

I sense a new time of growth emerging within me.


I hear the birds singing their morning songs

I hear the wind as it moves through the branches above

I hear the leaves as they dance on the ground all around.

I sense a voice of excitement deep within me.


I taste the sweetness of the honey in my first cup of tea

I taste the damp musk that is hovering in the outside air

I taste the morsel of oatmeal left behind from an early breakfast.

I sense the flavor of something new, ready to be discovered.


I see the red Cardinals in the pine tree next to the dogwoods whose branches are showing white blossoms amidst brown leaves covering the ground spotted with an emerging green surrounding scattered purple flowers with tiny yellow centers.

I see the gifts of the world around me

I see there is so much more to pay attention to and learn.

I sense the possibilities I now hold within me.


What is it then that I know?

What is it now that I am aware of within?

What is it that calls from within that wants to be brought forth next?


The sudden rush of wind insists that I stop and listen now.

It bursts through the trees to get my deeper self to pay attention.

It calms as I surrender to let the silence draw from me the answers that I hold.

From Above

From above the wind is brisk this morning

From above the treetops are clear

From above the hills can be seen wide and far.


Surrounded by these rolling ridge tops, the world from above appears whole

Surrounded by trees completely, my world is held secure

Surrounded by blue skies, the world beyond is just out of reach.


The ground that has been brown is now turning green

The woods that were bare, are coming alive

The water below reflects the surrounding beauty without hesitation.


The sun offers its warmth through the brisk cool air

The sun holds it gaze without distraction

The sun brings light to enable me to see.


I see the sorrow I hold just below the surface

I see the significance of the work I have happening right now

I see that healing is coming as I stay present.


I see there are worlds within, yet to be unlocked

I see there is much more surrender that awaits my willingness

I see I am held by a love that does not waiver.


I know how easy it is to be serious about life

I know how free it feels to be easy-going

I know the gifts that come from letting the serious go and opening to the freedom.


Just recently, I let go of the one hand “I had walked miles to be able to hold”

Today I dance on the edge of loss and gain

Tomorrow…..yes, for tomorrow the question now is, what do I want to create for all my tomorrows to come….

She Held My Heart

The quiet in my meditation was all around me, completely holding me. My breathing slowed to allow a deep in-and-out movement that created a calm, focused rhythm. My mind accepted the quiet, began to follow the breath and in doing so, it brought along my fragile heart.

My intention was to give-in to the dance I have been doing between holding-on and letting-go, between wanting the life that was and finding the life that is to be. I have been afraid to fully let-go and yet now is the time. I want to release the fears that have really been playing the music of my dance.

My intention was to bring wholeness to my heart still being split between wanting her here and living with her gone. The fear and anger, behind knowing she has left the physical plane forever, holds me from being able to connect in spirit. I want to find the courage to let-go, so we both can truly start our next phase.

My intention was to find a way to both honor the incredible love we share and get a glimpse of how to carry that love forward in all I do. I want to clear the negative energy I am holding around losing her and open myself to all the love that is within our relationship, no matter what the form is going forward. 

I noticed my breath, my thoughts fell quiet as my mind accepted the stillness, which let my heart begin to open.

….. All of the sudden, we were in our old neighborhood where we loved to go on our walk-talks. I heard my heart begin to speak…..

“Kath remember our first dinner when I could not answer if it was to discuss the work project or if it was a date?  I remember the twinkle in your eye as you asked that question. Do you remember the twinkle in my eyes as you let my hand take yours for our first dance to the music I brought to Innsbrook?”

“Remember each of the many other times we were able to dance with each other? The weddings, the New Year’s parties, the moments alone in our living room. Kath there are so many of those moments, there are so many ways our love was shared. You brought a love to my life I never knew could be possible. You opened my world into so many new dimensions and in doing so, filled my heart so completely.”

“If you were really here, I would want to look into your eyes once more to assure you that my life is forever changed because of your love. My life is so large because of what you brought to me. My heart is forever blessed because you chose to love me in the way that you do.”

…..In that moment, as we were having our walk-talk in the quiet of my meditation, I noticed we were at #27, one of our favorite homes on the block. In that moment, as I spoke of how blessed I am because of her love, I felt this most wonderful and incredible  blanket of energy surround me. And in that moment, I felt her literally holding my heart in her hands. I felt her love flowing through her open hands into my broken heart, offering it healing and peace and a grace that was unimaginable.

As I let that love flow through my entire being, I reached up to take her hand and the moment I felt her touch, we were on a beach. It was dusk, the sun was setting, the waves were rolling onto the sand. I remember looking over and seeing her face so clearly. Her bright blue eyes were twinkling like I had never seen before. The warmth of her smile was radiating love around and through me.

I looked over at her, grinning ear-to-ear and said “let’s take a run on the beach”! “Your hip is okay and my knees are good on the sand, so let’s run.” We took a few quick steps, began to jog, looked at each other and then broke into a full run.

We started laughing and kept running and as we ran faster, I looked up and saw that the sun was about to touch the water at the horizon. I turned to her and I said, “run Kathy, run and touch the light, now is the time”. Our eyes met, my heart was pounding and I heard myself say to her “good-bye Kath, good-bye for now, go, go to your light”. In that moment, I let her hand go, I stopped and I watched as she flew into the sunset…..

……Yes, it was a big moment of letting go in a new way. Yes, she had held my heart in her open hands. And I continue to hold her love in that same heart. Each time now, that I go back to her touch, I feel the healing in my heart. I know my broken heart is now giving way to a wholeheartedness, I have never known possible. And it is with that whole heart, that I can step into my next phase of loving this life, like never before. And now I am finding I can truly say …… “I can’t wait to see what happens next”!

The Way Forward

Fear comes to tell me I can’t be sure of what I need to do next.

Fear whispers that I may be moving too quickly.

Fear holds me in its grip saying, moving forward means leaving Kathy behind.


Sadness comes to remind me of how moving forward can feel.

Sadness holds my loss ever present and helps stabilize me as I move.

Sadness defines the depth of unconditional love that our WE was holding.


Joy can creep in between the fear and sadness and show me light.

Joy touches my open heart and offers its healing.

Joy calls me to bring all that WE have had and move forward with delight.


It hurts to have to move forward without Kathy.

It hurts to have to be in this place of aloneness when OUR world was ahead.

It hurts to realize day after day that it is now me and only me.


Anger boils knowing it should not be this way.

Anger spews its bitterness at having to rebuild my life.

Anger brings the unanswerable cloud of why me, why now, why her.


Love stands by as the fear, sadness, joy and anger do their dance.

Love holds a place of knowing that all is as it should be.

Love offers the new world of possibilities.

Love reminds me that nothing has been lost, that Kathy is present, here and now.


In this moment, the presence of her love gently embraces all that is stirring.

In this moment, my love for her fills me to overflowing.

It is in this moment, that there is

nothing to fear,

sadness to honor,

joy to embrace,

anger to release

and love to allow into a broken, yet open heart.

It is in this moment, that I see my way forward unfolding with a certainty that is good and true, pure and delightful, clear and sure.

Grandma’s Desk

The puppies are lying on the floor at the side of the chair.

The glow of the candle casts a warm light on all of us.

I sit at Grandma’s desk that once was Kathy’s favorite place to write.


The richness of the wood now serving as my writing surface feels comforting.

The elevated sides and back of the desk surround me in a loving way.

Sitting here quietly lets me feel the depth of missing Kathy that is so present.


I opened her bedside drawer and was captivated by the fragrance that was Kathy’s.

I melt as I see her smile in the photo now in front of me.

I feel the ever-present tug at my heart from the sweet ache that is now mine.


I would give anything to have her back in this room with me.

I would do anything if the life that was ours was here again.

I would sit in this chair forever if it could let me find her “somewhere in time”.


My tears bring me back to this moment in time.

My broken heart is filled with the love that she brought into my life.

I am opened to new places within, by the love she brought out in me.


That love is the force moving me forward.

That love is providing the guidance for taking that next step.

Our love holds me ready for what will present itself next.


Love builds a strength.

Strength brings new possibilities.

Kathy’s presence for all of us was a continuous call into possibility.


If I can find and stay open to possibility, what will that mean?

If I can let Spirit keep touching my heart, how will I transform?

If I truly can speak from my own open heart, what will I have to say?


Here at Grandma’s desk, I love the feeling of being with the quiet.

I love letting words show up on the page.

Most of all I love that Kathy is now holding me in this place that held her.


New strength for new possibilities.

New energy from the WE that was and will always be ours.

Love so clear and present, as now, I feel Kathy holding my heart in her open hands.

It’s True What They Say

It’s true, what they say….

Love is right here, it’s in and around me.

It is present even when I am not looking.

It shows itself even when I least expect it.


It’s true, what they say….

Spirit is right here, it’s in me and around me.

I do not have to go looking for it.

I only have to be present and open to it.


It’s true, what they say….

When I open to the presence of Love and Spirit,

When I surrender and trust,

When I choose to ‘be with’, then I am touched, I am blessed, I am held.


When I can find that place for myself,

When I can let go into that place,

When I am willing to let vulnerability show up,

Then it is true, what they say….all is just as it is supposed to be.


Knowing all is as it should be,

I breathe, I calm,

I open further, I let go completely

And I know the Love and Spirit within me.


It’s true.

Not Again

It hurts this morning, it really hurts.

The loss is so present. The pain feels so real.

I am simply in disbelief that I am here and Kathy is not.

I am reeling in my sense of aloneness. She really should be here right now.


I thought my recent time of quiet would let me settle in and be ready for a strong week.

I thought my focus on the recent retreat take-aways would enable some peace.

This morning I am feeling the loss above all, the thinking is gone.

The experience of the loss has enveloped me and I cannot think my way out of it. I must sit here and just feel it all.


I do have to keep breathing, keep coming back to the breath.

I do have to open and let this be with me.

I must stay present with all the feeling running through my body in this moment.

I can only hold myself open and trust that peace will come.


At some level, I must be telling myself it should not have to be this way now.

That somehow it should be starting to go away.

“Not again, not again”, that voice cries, “I don’t want to feel this way”….and here it is once again.

I know I must embrace the “not-again” and welcome it when it is again.


My work now is to turn this “not-again” into my own, “yes-again”.

Yes, again I shall rejoice in the time that was ours.

Yes, again each time I turn and see your smile, I must let it draw one from me.

Yes, again each time the hurt becomes so poignant, I must let it take me to the joy that was ours.


Transforming the ‘not-again’ to the ‘yes-again’ helps move the energy.

Yes-again, enables my focus to shift to all things amazing about my life and my life with with Kathy.

Yes-again, invites me to honor and celebrate and revel in all we had as our WE.

Holding our WE close, remembering how our experiences took us to so many new “yes-agains” is the way of my transformation.


Has It Been Eight Months?

Has it been eight months since you left us, or was that just yesterday?

Has it been a lifetime since we were together or was that really only eight months ago?

Has it been, that time may be standing still, and in eight months you have never left my side?
I feel you at my side constantly

I feel you in my heart each day and

I hear your whisper in the quiet moments I can stop and listen.


Your voice comes through each day, every week, as our TCI work continues.

You touch my heart through that work, you touch my heart in seeing every element of what was created together.

Your presence by my side grows stronger as I slow down to let in the enormity of losing you, now eight months ago.


Losing you Kathy, in a physical way, has been so surreal….and still is, after only eight months.

I have not gone through a single day without asking, “where have you gone Kathycramer?”.

Each time that question is voiced, I know it will do nothing to bring you back.


Knowing I cannot have you back in the way that I want, I turn to what might be possible beyond the physical.

So many family and friends are feeling you with them in very special ways.

I know our connection goes beyond just the times we were physically holding each other close.


I find you in each room of our home, in pictures, in the decor, in your paintings.

I find you each time I open my computer and see the note you taped to it, saying “I love you”.

I find you when I open a drawer and see something of yours that I can’t let go.


Yet, it’s in my heart that I feel you the closest.

It’s in my open heart that I know we continue to be together.

It’s there in my whole heart, that I can find each moment of our falling in love and each word that went with it.


Come, let’s keep falling in love. We can make that happen, right?

Let’s go beyond what we have ever had before. There is still so much life we can live in spirit, right?

Let’s find together the next, even better, version of our WE. There is no limit to what we can create, right?


Feel me open to know all of this is possible.

Feel my struggle to let you go, and move forward without you, all at the same time.

Help me know how to do that….because in eight months, I still have no clue.


My tears blur the screen now,

My sobbing masks the music I am playing and

My broken heart aches from wanting to have you with me.


It’s been this way for eight months now.

Every day.

And eight lifetimes from now, it will still be this way.


I miss you Kathryn….

……and I love you more than you can know.

Or is it that you know this more clearly now, than you did eight months ago???

In This Moment

In this moment, I feel my heart inside that is so broken open.

I feel the gaping hole that remains from losing the love of my life.

I feel the raw pain and hurt that is still so present.


In this moment, I am aware that this broken heart is a heart opened in a new way.

I am aware that my sense of possibility has been heightened through this newly opened heart.

I am aware that possibility and openness bring newness for hope and transformation.


In this moment, I cry as I look at each picture I see of Kathy.

I cry for what I thought would be, that now, is never to be.

I cry for the aloneness I feel without her here in this room.


In this moment, I also know I am not alone in spirit.

I know I have her here within, around and beside me.

I know that all the love we shared is held within this broken, open and yet whole heart.


In this moment, I seek the wisdom to make sense of all that is swirling within.

I seek to let the broken-openness serve to guide me to what’s next.

I seek to honor all that was and hold it for what it is now and let it become what it will for going forward.


In this moment I trust that brokenness, awareness, openness will lead to a new sense of knowing.

I trust that in staying present there will be clarity emerge in a gentle grace-filled way.

I trust that my willingness to courageously speak from my own open heart will let me hear the words needed at just the right time.


In this moment, my open hands are holding Kathy so closely.

My open hands are bringing her love for me, and mine for her, together to fill every cell of my heart.

My open hands reach out to offer this love anew for myself and to each that I encounter in the world today.


In this moment, I find solace in my belief that this process I am swirling in, is just where I am supposed to be.

I find grace in allowing myself to give voice to all of this that is within.

I find acceptance that is so elusive and fragile, beginning to hold me in gentle new ways.


In this moment, I choose to honor this acceptance.

I choose to hold Kathy even closer than ever before.

And I choose to let all of this show me, in the moment, the next step to take….and then the next.

In this moment, I am here, I am present, I AM.

I Am Choosing to Grieve

Last July, my wife Kathy died from breast cancer that had spread to her liver. She was in treatment for over 15 months, had been placed in the “remission” group after a year, and then in a matter of 3 weeks the cancer came roaring back and consumed her liver. I can’t even remember the last conversation we had as everything became such a blur at the end.

The speed with which the end came, the way it all happened so quickly, neither she nor I, nor those around us, had a chance to even consider that she was about to die when she went into the hospital “for testing”. On her last day, when the doc took me aside to inform me there was nothing that could be done after frantic attempts to change the outcome, my world came to an abrupt standstill.

That same ICU doctor then, in a gesture of pure compassion, allowed family and friends to come be with Kathy for what turned out to be the last 6 hours of her life. She was unconscious, however was responding in subtle ways to the endless expressions of love.

Being able to witness the flow of family and friends show up and be with Kathy, was a gift of great significance for me. As they were seeking their own way to grapple with the unbelievable scene they found, I too was searching for mine. Their expressions of love penetrated my heart and have been a sustained system of support since then.

I have said many times that, I do not know how to grieve. And that I am trying to be conscious about my grieving. My attempts at doing so include giving-in to the many feelings of loss, sadness, hurt, anger, pain and whatever else shows up and then trying my best to let them flow through me. I do know that holding them back will only bring more to work through later.

Part of my process to let my feelings flow has turned into writing. I start to feel the pain of the loss and let myself put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard and let the words show up. It helps me to get it out and it can surprise me what shows up. That’s what I am doing right now and part of my surprise continues to be that I am still processing the significance of my loss.

Could others in their own grieving process find any benefit in getting a glimpse at mine? Could others dealing with their own version of loss find solace in my words speaking of my loss? I cannot presume to know the answers to these questions.

Could I benefit by sharing my process with others? I know it always helps me when I talk through my feelings with family or friends. Could I help myself to move through my grieving by sharing what I have written? I know how the act of writing is helping me, perhaps sharing will add even more to the healing.

I have been fighting with these questions of “should I share” for weeks now. As time has moved on and I sometimes think I “should be done” with the grieving, I find all of the “should be’s” just become a big block to my moving on.

So what is about to follow, is my attempt to keep finding my own way of moving forward. What follows will be a glimpse into My Open Heart…..a broken, sad, angry, hurting and hopefully healing heart.