She Held My Heart

The quiet in my meditation was all around me, completely holding me. My breathing slowed to allow a deep in-and-out movement that created a calm, focused rhythm. My mind accepted the quiet, began to follow the breath and in doing so, it brought along my fragile heart.

My intention was to give-in to the dance I have been doing between holding-on and letting-go, between wanting the life that was and finding the life that is to be. I have been afraid to fully let-go and yet now is the time. I want to release the fears that have really been playing the music of my dance.

My intention was to bring wholeness to my heart still being split between wanting her here and living with her gone. The fear and anger, behind knowing she has left the physical plane forever, holds me from being able to connect in spirit. I want to find the courage to let-go, so we both can truly start our next phase.

My intention was to find a way to both honor the incredible love we share and get a glimpse of how to carry that love forward in all I do. I want to clear the negative energy I am holding around losing her and open myself to all the love that is within our relationship, no matter what the form is going forward. 

I noticed my breath, my thoughts fell quiet as my mind accepted the stillness, which let my heart begin to open.

….. All of the sudden, we were in our old neighborhood where we loved to go on our walk-talks. I heard my heart begin to speak…..

“Kath remember our first dinner when I could not answer if it was to discuss the work project or if it was a date?  I remember the twinkle in your eye as you asked that question. Do you remember the twinkle in my eyes as you let my hand take yours for our first dance to the music I brought to Innsbrook?”

“Remember each of the many other times we were able to dance with each other? The weddings, the New Year’s parties, the moments alone in our living room. Kath there are so many of those moments, there are so many ways our love was shared. You brought a love to my life I never knew could be possible. You opened my world into so many new dimensions and in doing so, filled my heart so completely.”

“If you were really here, I would want to look into your eyes once more to assure you that my life is forever changed because of your love. My life is so large because of what you brought to me. My heart is forever blessed because you chose to love me in the way that you do.”

…..In that moment, as we were having our walk-talk in the quiet of my meditation, I noticed we were at #27, one of our favorite homes on the block. In that moment, as I spoke of how blessed I am because of her love, I felt this most wonderful and incredible  blanket of energy surround me. And in that moment, I felt her literally holding my heart in her hands. I felt her love flowing through her open hands into my broken heart, offering it healing and peace and a grace that was unimaginable.

As I let that love flow through my entire being, I reached up to take her hand and the moment I felt her touch, we were on a beach. It was dusk, the sun was setting, the waves were rolling onto the sand. I remember looking over and seeing her face so clearly. Her bright blue eyes were twinkling like I had never seen before. The warmth of her smile was radiating love around and through me.

I looked over at her, grinning ear-to-ear and said “let’s take a run on the beach”! “Your hip is okay and my knees are good on the sand, so let’s run.” We took a few quick steps, began to jog, looked at each other and then broke into a full run.

We started laughing and kept running and as we ran faster, I looked up and saw that the sun was about to touch the water at the horizon. I turned to her and I said, “run Kathy, run and touch the light, now is the time”. Our eyes met, my heart was pounding and I heard myself say to her “good-bye Kath, good-bye for now, go, go to your light”. In that moment, I let her hand go, I stopped and I watched as she flew into the sunset…..

……Yes, it was a big moment of letting go in a new way. Yes, she had held my heart in her open hands. And I continue to hold her love in that same heart. Each time now, that I go back to her touch, I feel the healing in my heart. I know my broken heart is now giving way to a wholeheartedness, I have never known possible. And it is with that whole heart, that I can step into my next phase of loving this life, like never before. And now I am finding I can truly say …… “I can’t wait to see what happens next”!

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