Not Again

It hurts this morning, it really hurts.

The loss is so present. The pain feels so real.

I am simply in disbelief that I am here and Kathy is not.

I am reeling in my sense of aloneness. She really should be here right now.

 

I thought my recent time of quiet would let me settle in and be ready for a strong week.

I thought my focus on the recent retreat take-aways would enable some peace.

This morning I am feeling the loss above all, the thinking is gone.

The experience of the loss has enveloped me and I cannot think my way out of it. I must sit here and just feel it all.

 

I do have to keep breathing, keep coming back to the breath.

I do have to open and let this be with me.

I must stay present with all the feeling running through my body in this moment.

I can only hold myself open and trust that peace will come.

 

At some level, I must be telling myself it should not have to be this way now.

That somehow it should be starting to go away.

“Not again, not again”, that voice cries, “I don’t want to feel this way”….and here it is once again.

I know I must embrace the “not-again” and welcome it when it is again.

 

My work now is to turn this “not-again” into my own, “yes-again”.

Yes, again I shall rejoice in the time that was ours.

Yes, again each time I turn and see your smile, I must let it draw one from me.

Yes, again each time the hurt becomes so poignant, I must let it take me to the joy that was ours.

 

Transforming the ‘not-again’ to the ‘yes-again’ helps move the energy.

Yes-again, enables my focus to shift to all things amazing about my life and my life with with Kathy.

Yes-again, invites me to honor and celebrate and revel in all we had as our WE.

Holding our WE close, remembering how our experiences took us to so many new “yes-agains” is the way of my transformation.

 

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